What It Means To Be Australian

12 September 2004

  • The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm;

  • The shorter the nickname, the more they like you;

  • Whether it's the opening of parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by the addition of a sausage sizzle;

  • There is no food that cannot be improved by the addition of tomato sauce;

  • On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out;

  • Industrial design knows of no item more useful than the plastic milk crate;

  • The alpha male in any group is he who takes the tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags;

  • It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold;

  • It is correct to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard";

  • The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one with the swimming pool;

  • The phrase "We've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much;

  • If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine then spend all night drinking the host's beer (don't worry, he'll have catered for it);

  • The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying;

  • Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit in your front yard. Gardening, pottering about and leaning on the fence are all allowed. Just don't sit; that's what the back yard is for;

  • At picnics, the esky is always too small, resulting in a food versus grog battle that can only be resolved by leaving the salad at home;

  • When on holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel pool will always be larger than the pool itself;

  • And finally...there comes a time in every Australian's life when he or she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.

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