Shopping Insanity, and Why I Am Not Sexy

Well, on Saturday I decided to celebrate my blogger birthday by going shopping with Boof and Funky. Nothing unusual about that, you may think, and you'd be correct; shopping is what we do best. We attack the mall with a ferocity that appalls onlooking teenagers (they may be younger and thinner, but we're older and we've got alot more money) emerging only when our cards are maxed out and we cannot physically carry any more bags to the car. If you ever come with us, wear sturdy shoes and bring a sturdier disposition.

But this time was slightly different...I completely abandoned my usual caution when it comes to clothes and ended up purchasing an outfit which I just know I'll never end up wearing. It was of course, all Boof and Funky's faults. It started when we went to Pulp shoes...a very trendy shoe store. I only ever look at shoes in a hypothetical way. I buy a pair of Doc Marten's mary janes, wear them most days till they wear out (which usually takes several years) the replace them. I've also got a pair of sandals and a pair of boots. That seems quite sufficient to me. Especially since I've got very wide feet and cannot walk in even the slightest heel.

So whilst the guys were getting shoes in Pulp, I was wandering around when a pair of black, velvet, jewell-encrusted wedges caught my eye. Shoes I'd never wear, but I thought, "These would look lovely...on someone else!" Unfortunately, Funky saw me holding them up for a closer look, and bounded over goading me into trying them on. Which I did. Next thing you know - I don't know how - I'm at the cash register explaining that the size seven is fine, and reaching for my wallet. Like I said, I don't know how it happened - the shoes are totally impractical, will probably last about one wear before they look old, and as I use public transport I won't ever be able to leave the house whilst I've got them on. And in any case, they're just too dressy, young and fashionable for me. But I own them now.

This should have been enough shopping hysteria for one afternoon.

But whatever you blame - the guy's overeagerness to get me out of my constant long skirts, my own disorientation at the trendy shops, the simple fact that I needed a cigarette - worse was to come.

We headed to Ice, which is one of those women's clothing stores lit like a slightly brighter nightclub, with the music, outfits and customers to match. It is, in short, the kind of store which I usually avoid on pain of death. But I did point out to Boof and Funky a dress which I'd seen in the window, purely hypothetical as well - I could never wear it. But upon discovering that everything instore was 50% off that day, the guys insisted I try it on as well.

You ought to see it. It's a black satin halterneck, with a gorgeously swishy short skirt, and so low cut around the clevage it has wires in place to stop one's bosoms from falling out. It is, in short, a very sexy dress, and I'm not a sexy person; something of a beauty in my youth, perhaps (though those days are long gone), but never in a sexy way. There's something you need to be sexy that I never had; a certain poise and confidence. I've always been too damn clumsy to be sexy. It's just as well I'm not a bondage mistress; I'd no doubt drop the whip, trip over it, and knock myself out when I hit the ground, leaving my partner bound and gagged and unable to help. The missionary position gets alot of bad press, but I like it; it's the position where I am least likely to cause myself serious injury.

Well, I emerged from the changeroom to the guy's cries of, "Wow...that's stunning" and I replied, "Well it could be, but not on me." The shop assistant asked me what I thought and I said mournfully, "I look like mutton dressed as lamb!" but she was skinny and blonde and 18 and clearly had no idea what I was talking about. However, there's one thing I like even more than dressing like Stevie Nicks, and that's a bargain. What with all the discounts that it had, the dress cost $25. So I bought it.

So now I have a brand new sexy outfit, I'm ready to go anywhere this summer. The problem is, I never go anywhere. Boof and Funky have promised that we'll go somewhere special soon, so I have a chance to wear the outfit, but I'll believe that when it happens; and I can see the dress and shoes sitting in their bag and box at the back of my wardrobe untouched for the next umpteem years, until eventaully they come into style again, and I dig them out to give to one of my sister's daughters (at least they'll think that their Aunt Nicola is so much cooler than their mother...)


  1. I have bought many items through the years and some I haven't worn. I cleaned out my wardrobe last weekend ((its a yearly thing)) and come across some hideous choices I made last year - Naturally I listed them on eBay and sold them. You will always find people who want your clothes.
    The shoes sound nice though - I haven't worn wedge heels in years. Last time I did, I was about 16-17 and I fell arse over head at a party ((I was very very drunk)) which resulted in a huge gouge out of my knee - Probably best I never wear those type of shoes again!

  2. There are some people who can carry off heels...and then there are people like me, who simply get carried off in heels.

    I just think I'll feel too self concious to ever wear that dress.

  3. I'm proud of you for venturing out of your docs or sandals for the first time in years. And even I don't have the courage to go into ICE- a tall blonde girl works there, she may be the slut *cough* shop assistant you were referring to, and can easily see over the changing room doors. Which have the mirrors on the outside, ensuring that you have to leave the safety of the cubicle and expose your half naked self in tiny sizes.

  4. Well now I have black hair (!), I need to complete my goth ensemble with the nose piercing... if we don't go to that tattoo parlour then I won't chicken out. =D

  5. Ironic out of all of us, I'm the only one who doesn't have black hair...

    We'll go piercing without Mum, she has to amke a scene over everything.

  6. Don't get a nose ring... think practical.

    Nipple rings are great to carry you car or house keys around. Not to mention the conveinience of always having a bottle opener handy.

    The same logic can be applied to a clit ring... with one added bonus.

    When Christmas rolls around, you can take off your undies, and spread a little christmas cheer buy jingling everywhere you go. And in doing so... reminding all the kiddies that Santa is not far away.

    An eyebrow ring is great when pulled up by fishing line, attached to the back of your belt, via the top of your head. This provides that sought after "Can you smell what the Rock is cookin' " look.

    Just steer clear of a lip ring if you are missing a tooth or two at the front of your mouth. The local kids may try to use you as a bike rack, since you have now provided them with something to chain up to.

  7. For god's sake. She's 15 years old!!!

    Emma: I know who this is. They know how old you are. They will be dealt with.


Post a Comment