It's ridiculous. It's heartbreaking. It's a joke. After weeks of extremely careful, no-fat, 1000 calorie a day dieting and an hour's exercise five times a week, I had lost 2Kg. Over the weekend, I ate two hamburgers and a big plate of spaghetti and gained a kilo.
There's a photo of me when I was twenty five. You could hang fine art on my stomach. A strong breeze would have swept me to Victoria. I had no discernable bosoms to speak of. All this required no effort whatsoever; in fact, I didn't like it and tried to eat more to gain weight.
Okay, since then I've turned thirty, quit smoking and quit treating my body like a receptacle for hazardous chemicals. But how did I end up being nearly twice the woman I used to be, by weight? Oh, I love my food. But I always did, and it never turned on me like this before.
So what with getting married in a minute, I decided to lose some weight so I don't need to pay a surplus on my wedding dress for excess fabric. But it's not going so well. I already knew what's been proven - moderate levels of exercise do little for weight gain. I could walk for hours in comfort before I started dieting - apart from my thighs rubbing together of course - and I was still fat. It was going to take tougher measures. No bread, no fat, no red meat, no pasta, no chocolate, no lollies, no chips, no reason for living and no way you haven't gotten the point by now. The first few days are okay. You feel sort of good, even. Then you find yourself sending your dinner guests out on a post-meal walk so you can eat their pizza crusts in secret*.
None of it has worked. I'm starting to wonder what to do now. Meal replacements? They are expensive, but no more so than anything else these days (if you've ever wondered how you pay for a wedding, it's easy; just drain your bank account each fortnight on payday and walk down the street handing gobs of money to every person you pass. You'll never see anything for it, but the wedding feels the same way). I can't wait till I'm actually married, and I can let myself go, and also make the long awaited switch to "married hair" - the famous phenomenon where off come the long locks and wash and wear is the word of the day. Don't tell me about keeping the spice in my marriage. Lord knows there's little enough spice in my diet right now.
* I really did this.