How We Ruined McDonalds

16 February 2014
Senior McDonalds figures in happier times.
SYDNEY - McDonalds executives yesterday were forced to respond to the continuing speculation that plummeting sales figures may force the company to cease Australian operations. The speculation follows the decision of the Bell family of Newcastle to stop eating at McDonalds. A statement released by the office of McDonalds Australia CEO Catriona Noble said in part, "McDonalds has a long and proud history in Australia. Whilst we have been greatly affected by the loss of a key customer, we remain committed to a future here and are exploring all options to secure that future."

McDonalds plunge is attributed to the recent Bell family decision to stop eating at McDonalds. A family spokesman said earlier "Ms and Mr Bell are ideologically opposed to McDonalds, as well as disliking their greasy, unhealthy food, despite its somewhat addictive quality. However in recent times, with the construction of a new restaurant minutes from their home and lured by the free WiFi and covered playground, their attendance has increased to a level where they no longer felt able to live with themselves, and have made the decision to cease all visits to McDonalds forthwith".

Financial experts are confident that McDonalds can remain a viable entity in Australia. Commsec's Tom Piotrowski told Sunrise's David Koch, "whilst the loss of this family's business is obviously going to have implications for this financial year's profit figures, there are still plenty of other lazy suburbanites lured by shiny colours and the merest suggestion that the McRib may return, in order to ensure the company's future."

However, industry insiders are not so optimistic. A senior McDonalds executive told this publication on the condition of anonymity "no one can deny morale is plummeting in the face of declining sales. People are really hurting. The Hamburglar has turned to dealing ice to supplement his curtailed income, McBirdy cries whilst downing gin shots at her desk, and Grimace is looking, quite frankly, emaciated".

Ronald McDonald failed to respond to requests for comment at time of publishing.


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