How to get a free ride to the airport!

Monday, 25 October 2021


 Now that travel is opening up again, I'm sure we're all keen to escape Scott Morrison's prison island*, or at least the bit of it we've been locked down in. But as we excitedly book airfares and accomodation, we're also reminded of one of the least enjoyable parts of travel: getting to and from the airport. Driving yourself isn't an option; with the amount airports charge for daily parking, you might as well abandon your car there and buy a new one when you get back. There's the airport train or sky bus, but they're privatised services and charge a fortune; having to add $40 or more in fares for a service that doesn't even get you to your house makes those discount airfares seem decidedly less of a bargain. You could ask a friend to give you a lift, but you know they're going to wait until you're in the car then ask you to help them move, and you won't be able to say no because they're doing you a favour, and it will just become a whole thing. 


But what if I told you there was an easy, obligation free way to get a free ride to the airport? Well, it's almost easy. All you have to do is find an irate conservative on social media stating that if people don't like Australia (or whatever country you live in), they'll drive that person to the airport...and take them up on it!


If you're an Australian, you can always find these people on Facebook or News Ltd around Australia Day and ANZAC Day, although now, with Federal Minister for Education Alan Tudge declaring he won't stand for any revision in how schools teach the Revised History of Glorious White Australia, you might have some luck in the comments on those articles. Just find one of these "love it or leave it" boof heads, and let them know that you're a passionate soldier of the 5th Meme Battalion in the Culture Wars, leaving Australia forever for a land where "Baa Baa Black Sheep" has been replaced by a totalitarian regime where children have to sing all 64 Crayola shades to indicate the sheep's possible colour. Tell them you're sure they'll be glad to help rid the nation of an evil left wing sheeple snowflake Dan Stan who wants mandatory gay marriage, communism and to shut down all the churches, and let them know the date of your flight. Hey presto, free lift to the airport.


Of course, it's not a perfect plan. Chances are they'll be listening to some right wing call in radio sludge like 2GB, likely with their own running commentary about how left wing Muslim lesbians want to force Israel Folau to have an abortion. But there's always noise cancelling headphones, which you can tell them are tagging devices George Soros sends everyone on his payroll. If they ask why you're leaving the nation forever with only an overnight bag because in truth you're just going to Byron Bay for a long weekend, tell them you hate Australia so much that you're leaving everything behind, having donated all your stuff to Greta Thunberg Without Borders. 


But what about getting home from the airport when you return? Easy, the plan works in reverse. Just tell your mark that you're an Australian who's been living in the US, but you can't stand Joe Biden dismantling Trump's sterling legacy, and you wish to return to a land that knows how to play tough with illegal immigrants. This one's harder - you'll have to play the part. But consider the alternative - being obligated to help your mate Jason get a 500L fridge down from the top level of a three storey terrace house. At least after pretending that you agree that we should build a wall, somewhere, even though we have no land borders, your back won't require extensive physiotherapy. 


* Yes, this is hyperbole. 

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