Reading Wangs

16 May 2023
Reading recently that some celebrity or other had gone with a Vera Wang wedding dress - they all seem to - it occurred to me that I have no idea why Wang is the leading name in bridal couture, a subject never of much interest to me, but I decided to take a look at the Vera Wang website for the first time and see just what makes these gowns so special. 

 And they're...special, all right. Here's a selection of dresses, outfits, and "what the hell is that" from recent Vera Wang Haute Wedding Collections. Wang describes the Haute range as "explor[ing] the different volumes, proportions and artisanal details that have come to define our unique and ever evolving aesthetic”. I would rather decribe it as a firm reminder to us all that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. No apologies for the heteronormative view of weddings in this post; I flatly refuse to believe any queers would be caught dead wearing any of this.

Been waiting for your special day forever? This is the perfect dress to wear getting married ten years after you die.

This isn't a wedding dress. It's a horseriding outfit with a sling to carry your parasitic twin. 

Why are you hunched over like that dear are you cold? No wonder, you're pretty much naked from the waist up. Here, I've got a spare cardi. 

Well, it's (Nana's) curtains for her. Also why do all these women look ill and miserable? Is that what every groom dreams of, seing his bride march down the aisle looking like she's battling a bout of gastro?
When you go skydiving in your underwear and get tangled up in the parachute.

I'm not altogether sure what's going on here. If the couple are paying homage to their bondage hobbies, fair enough, but otherwise, without the wind machine, that ribbon is just going to look droopy and ridiculous and when the couple goes to exchange rings, you know one or both of them are going to end up tied up in it and not on purpose.

Probably sounded better in the original German.

There's spiders in there, I just know it.

That awkward moment when you realise you've both been knocked up by the same guy. 

Reagan from The Exorcist is all grown up and getting married.

Whilst many brides seek to incorporate their love of gaming into those special touches that make a wedding unique, dressing as the Arch-Vile is taking it a tad too far.

Please wait until after exiting the plane before inflating your flotation devices.

There seems to have been some sort of mix up at the studio; they've posted this picture of the model before she finished getting the dress on. Whoops!

I started this post saying I refuse to believe queers would wear this crap. I've changed my mind. I now don't think anyone would wear it. I've seen celebrity weddings. No matter how much individual style they proclaim to have, they all go for the ballgown and tiara look like they've rolled off a factory production line, so who is spending tens of thousands of dollars to look like they got tangled up at the lifeboat factory? I could be reading about participatory socialism, but I'm wondering about this.

I would like to acknowledge the invaluable additional snark contributions of my friend KarlcX to this post. Look, if I was able to come up with an entire decent post on my own lately, I'd get back to writing about my American travels. 


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